I Killed Myself

Dead, gone and forgotten.  My “self” is dead. I no longer have to defend it. I no longer have to worry if it is going to heaven or hell or what karma or sin it has or if it will reincarnate into a bat.  It is dead; I killed it.

Boy, what a difference a dead self makes.  Of course, it does not mean that there is not worry for this piece of carcass known as Jim, but the carcass is just a tool, a vehicle, a toy to be played with until it is worn out then thrown away.  “I” do not have to worry about it anymore because “I” am dead.
You might ask, “How did you kill yourself if you are still here?”  Well, “I” am not here, the body is.  “I” am dead.  At least the part of Jim that thinks of himself as a body or a separate being with beginning and end.

I killed myself by looking for the self.  Eventually I saw that the self is just a thought, an electro-magnetic impulse traveling around the brain/body mechanism.  When I fully let go of focusing on anything, particularly the sensations in the body/brain, then the instrument relaxed, let go and stop creating any more impulses, including the impulse known as ‘self’.

Of course, acknowledging that this happened was another impulse which brought back the original impulse of self.  HOWEVER, the power of the idea or thought known as “self” is broken and has diminished ever since.

It is wonderful being free from the grip my ‘self’ had on me.  No longer is there worry about ‘my’ career.  Karma and sin have no meaning.  Since “I” am no longer important then ‘my’ world is no longer important.  Hell, I can now see that nothing in the manifested universe is important so why worry about anything.  It is all here just for the fun of it.  All is meaningless (unless I want to play with meaning and create meaning for it).  All is vanity.

Even writing this is vanity, but it is also a lot of fun.
Now I am free to enjoy and love ALL that life has to offer.
Yet, habits are hard to die and the habit of thinking about my ‘self’ is strong.  Sometimes there is forgetting that the self is not real and I go back to worrying about it.  Usually I wake back up by myself but sometimes it take a true friend, one who really cares about me, to stun me back awake by confronting my silly idea that I am real or important or that I matter or that anything I could ever do mattered or that anything anyone could do or has ever done could really matter.

Sometimes a go a long time before I wake back up.  In those times, I wish I had more friends who really cared about me enough to jolt me back awake.  So I have dedicated my life (Oops, there I go again, like it is ‘my’ life in the first place, silly me) to waking up others so that they can wake me up when I fall asleep, AND, so they can fully enjoy and love ALL that life has to offer.

Wait, OTHERS?  There I go again, thinking there are ‘others’ in the universe.  How can that be if “I” have no beginning or end, I am infinite and all-inclusive.  In infinity, there is no ‘other’ so there are no others.  Ah, then I am not waking up ‘others’ so they can fully enjoy and love ALL that life has to offer; I am waking the REST of me up to fully enjoy and love ALL that life has to offer.

Phew, that was a lot of work.  Ah, but it is worth it.  What greater gift can I give to myself (and all there other ‘selves’ of me out there) that to wake up to enjoy this perfect world and universe?

Does anybody want to join me?

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Jim

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