{"id":1063,"date":"2015-11-06T08:50:39","date_gmt":"2015-11-06T16:50:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/?p=1063"},"modified":"2015-11-06T16:05:43","modified_gmt":"2015-11-07T00:05:43","slug":"downside-to-cuddling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/2015\/11\/06\/downside-to-cuddling\/","title":{"rendered":"Is There a Downside to Cuddling?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Cuddling<\/a>I often go to T-Group<\/a>, a weekly sensitivity or authentic relating practice group.\u00a0 The idea behind T-Group is to talk about your feelings and in so doing you become aware of your deeper desires or motivation behind our actions, then share that with others in the group.\u00a0 With awareness of our inner experience we gain mastery over ourselves and thus enable us to grow in our ability to appreciate, enjoy and love what life is offering.<\/p>\n

As children we gain self-mastery when we learn how to detect our bowels or bladder tension, which indicates we need to relieve ourselves.\u00a0 Then we develop an additional self-mastery when we learn how to relieve ourselves by either releasing the muscle that is holding back our bladder’s contents or activating the muscles of peristalsis.\u00a0 This ‘potty training’ greatly enhances the overall quality of our life experience.<\/p>\n

As infants we need our parents or caregivers to feed us, change our diapers and soothe us when we are stressed.\u00a0 But as we mature we develop lots of awarenesses and skills beyond potty training, such as walking, riding a bike, thinking disciplines and the like that all increase the overall quality of our life.\u00a0 The more self-mastery skills we obtain the richer our life experience becomes.\u00a0 Those who fail to develop these awarenesses and skills have a diminished quality of a life experience.<\/p>\n

T-Group in particular and many other types of authentic relating exercises are there to help us practice and grow in our ability to care for ourselves and be honest with both ourselves and others.\u00a0 As we sit in group the intention is to feel what we are feeling and share that with one another.\u00a0 If we are feeling anxious or depressed then we share that with the group.<\/p>\n

Our body can release various chemicals, hormones\u00a0or neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin\u00a0and oxytocin that counteract the stress in our body and have an anti-anxiety effect\u00a0or are ‘soothing’ effect.\u00a0 Science has shown that these chemicals contribute to “pro-social behaviors” and healthy emotional responses such as “relaxation, trust and psychological stability.” (Oxytocin: the neuropeptide of love reveals some of its secrets.<\/a>\u00a0Neumann ID,\u00a0Cell Metabolism<\/em>, 2007, volume 5, issue 4, pages 231-233 (DOI: 10.1016\/j.cmet.2007.03.008).)\u00a0 These chemicals can be released by touch, affection and cuddling or they can be released naturally in the body via positive emotions.<\/strong><\/u><\/em><\/p>\n

When we are feeling stress, anxiety or depression we have the opportunity to go deeper into the desires or wants that are creating these feelings.\u00a0 As we keep exploring our feelings we will discover that beyond the anxiety or depression is the deepest feeling and\/or desire to be independent, happy and healthy.<\/p>\n

If we are constantly asking others to help us manage our emotions or feelings then we fail to develop our own self-mastery skills.<\/p>\n

The first step in this process of authentic relating is to fully FEEL what you are feeling without needing to act on those feelings.\u00a0 If we use T-Group and other social opportunities to become aware of our feelings this will give us an opportunity to develop skills of self-mastery by practicing positive emotions, thus we create a greater sense of self-confidence and an opportunity to develop love-based<\/u><\/em> relationship.\u00a0 If we fail to develop these awarenesses and skills then our relationships will be fear-based<\/u><\/em>, fearful that we will lose our source of chemicals that soothe us, a chemical addiction.\u00a0 This chronic fear or anxiety has been shown to be very unhealthy in the long run and greatly reduces the quality of a person’s life experience.<\/p>\n

As infants and children we need others to sooth us when we are stressed.\u00a0 Parents touch and cuddle us, which releases these chemicals allowing our bodies to relax and create a sense inner peace.\u00a0\u00a0 As we mature some<\/u> people learn how to ‘self-sooth’ by practicing positive emotions and thus no longer NEED others to help them sooth themselves when life produces stress.\u00a0 Others never learn this self-soothing behavior and thus are dependent on others for affection to produce these necessary chemicals in our system to help us deal with stress.\u00a0 This dependency on others leads these latter people to seek out relationships that end up being very co-dependent, unhealthy and in the long run destructive to the well being of the co-dependent person or people.<\/p>\n

T-Group is about first gaining the awareness of our feelings and second about practicing self care <\/u>by developing the ability to address them ourselves so as not NEED others to address them for us.<\/p>\n

In one of my recent T-Groups the other 4 members of the group immediately cuddled together on the bed while I sat opposite of them alone.\u00a0 There was not much talking about feelings in that group, they were mostly just cuddling.\u00a0 At the time, I felt ok with them cuddling but later I felt something was ‘wrong’ with it.<\/p>\n

When I looked further into what I was feeling I found I felt a sense of ‘distaste’ about their cuddling.\u00a0 I had to ask myself, “What is behind that distaste?”\u00a0 What is ‘wrong’ with people enjoying the affections of other people?\u00a0 And why was I not interested in joining them, even when I was invited to do so?<\/p>\n

The other four group members immediately went to cuddling together on the bed; they addressed their neediness<\/em> the way that had since infants by seeking out touch, affection and cuddling without first looking at their feelings or motivations.\u00a0 I realized I felt disappointment because those cuddling seemed to be seeking to avoid talking about their feelings behind their desire to snuggle or cuddle.\u00a0 The cuddling seemed to be distracting people from their deeper feelings that was motivating them to cuddle.<\/p>\n

This neediness<\/u> is the crux of the challenge here.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

I can see that sometimes giving someone a hug or other form of physical contact can help calm them down so that they can look deeper into what they are feeling.\u00a0 Yet, when people rely on the affections and physical contact with others to soothe them when they are troubled then this tactic of affection or snuggling becomes co-dependent and unhealthy.\u00a0 In so doing we are denying the very purpose of T-Group and other authentic relating exercises.<\/p>\n

What are the signs that a person is co-dependent?\u00a0 Science has shown that obsessive compulsive, depressed and anxious people are constantly seeking out these co-dependent type of relationship and this is often defined as a kind of addiction. (http:\/\/neurology.about.com\/od\/NervousSystem\/a\/The-Brain-In-Love.htm<\/a>)<\/p>\n

If when we are feeling anxious or depressed and the discomfort of this motivates us to seek out affectionate or cuddling then we are not going into the deeper feelings and desires and thus not learning how to be independent; we are only enhancing our co-dependency tendencies.\u00a0 We fail to develop the awarenesses and skills necessary for love-based relationships.<\/p>\n

When T-Group or other social functions leads immediately to affection or cuddling it is actually hurting those involved, not helping them.\u00a0 It is ENABLING co-dependency. Often those who are most addicted to co-dependency passionately reject to this assessment, just as most drug addicts tend to reject any idea of addiction.\u00a0 Change is frightening so keeping the status quo is much more acceptable.<\/p>\n

This is not to say that an honest and healthy person would never enjoy or even seek out affection with others.\u00a0 Life is a balance of independency, interdependency and co-dependency.\u00a0 It is very difficult to be fully independent of others.\u00a0 Historically some monks or yogis, living in solitude or isolation, work on their skills of self-mastery.\u00a0 These future Buddhas and Christs were working on developing a level of self-mastery that most people have no desire to develop.\u00a0 But some level of self mastery does greatly enhance the quality of the life experience.<\/p>\n

T-Group is an opportunity to start working in that direction.<\/p>\n

Do we want to turn T-Group or other social opportunities into enabling sessions for our co-dependency or do we want to continue to use the opportunities to create the skills for love-based relationships?<\/p>\n

The choice is ours; the power to choose comes with practice.\u00a0 We can practice emotional self care<\/a> via practicing positive emotions or we can continue our dependency on others to soothe us.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I often go to T-Group, a weekly sensitivity or authentic relating practice group.\u00a0 The idea behind T-Group is to talk about your feelings and in so doing you become aware of your deeper desires or motivation behind our actions, then share that with others in the group.\u00a0 With awareness of our inner experience we gain […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[91,115],"tags":[119,117],"class_list":["post-1063","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-healthemotional","category-understanding-ourselves","tag-relationships","tag-understanding"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1063","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1063"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1063\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1071,"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1063\/revisions\/1071"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1063"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1063"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.jimfreedom.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1063"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}